


Beast Boy and Raven Join PETA

by Saberlord_Oboeshoes



Category: Beast Boy - Fandom, Raven - Fandom, Teen Titans (Animated Series), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-20 07:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30001704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saberlord_Oboeshoes/pseuds/Saberlord_Oboeshoes
Summary: The young superhero couple team up with the famous wholesome, rational, unquestionable, and totally not shady or hypocritical animal rights organization known as PETA.
Relationships: Beast Boy/Raven, Garfield Logan/Raven
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	1. Vegan Bacon

The sun rose in view of the rebuilt, refurbished Titans Tower to the sound of five banjo chords.

Cyborg was peacefully asleep in his recharging unit when a thin white stream of scented air entered his nose. Suddenly, both his human and computer eyes opened up wide, and out of his mouth came the most heavenly word in any language.

“Bacon!”

The restraints on his recharging unit snapped open and he leaped into the air. His legs began rapidly spinning vertically at the hip joint. Then he ran straight thru the bedroom wall, leaving a hole shaped exactly like his body at the moment of impact, and followed the delicious scented trail down the hall.

“Baconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbacon..”

Cyborg burst into the kitchen, and standing before him was the most marvellous site that brought forth streams of tears from his eyes. It was a ten foot pile of sizzling, smoking, mouthwatering…

“BACON!!!”

He leaped into the bacon like a kid into a pile of autumn leaves. The impact sent strips of meat flying through the kitchen. As Cyborg began to stuff his face, Beast Boy, dressed in an apron and chef’s hat, took a break from sizzling the remainder of his breakfast on the stove so he could talk straight to his smartphone.

“No, it’s not bacon! It’s the brand new Beyond Bacon, made completely from plant products,” Beast Boy explained, holding up a bag of the product near his face. “But it’s so good, meat eaters can’t tell it’s not bacon!”

“IT’S BACON!!!” shouted Cyborg as he continued to indulge himself.

Beast Boy put the bag down. “Well, that’s not the only thing I’m a spokesman for. I woke up this morning to an email from PETA. Yup, that’s right, PETA! The absolute greatest animal loving family that has ever existed, and they want me, yes, ME, to do a commercial for them! So, I told them I had to think about it for a while, no, just kidding, I replied with ‘yes’ in all caps, followed by ten exclamation marks, and a dozen happy gifs! They offered to pay me, but I turned that down, because love for animals is the only paycheck I need! Also, I’m a Let’s Playing gazillionaire. So, keep a look out for me on your TV sets. Until then, make sure you give that subscribe button a good punch in the face, cuz GreenGar65 will see you in the next episode!”

BB stuffed his phone in his pocket and carried two plates of fresh vegan breakfast food over to the dining table where Raven, dressed in white, was waiting for him. She took a sip of herbal tea in between munches on a strip of Beyond Bacon. BB gently placed a breakfast plate in front of her and then sat down across from her.

“Wow, look at this,” remarked Raven as she took a whiff. “Tofu waffles, Just Eggs, and a bowl of dragon berries. You sure are spoiling me, BB!”

“Oh, it’s just my way of thanking my Rae-Rae for the amazing date we had last night!”

“Well, I don’t deserve all the credit.”

“Hey, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is ours, so all my credit is yours!”

They both spoon fed each other once before eating from their own plates.

“So, Rae-Rae, have you thought more about joining PETA?”

“Look, BB, I’m fine with this new spokesman gig. It’s just that I don’t like being in a group that isn’t my friends. I tried being in an online book club, and it got overtaken by diaper-loving weirdos who pushed their opinions on everyone else.”

“Yes, well, PETa is nothing like that. But it’s just that since we’re officially a thing now, it would be good if we did the same things. I mean, I started reading your books and finally beat you and chess, and you almost passed the second level of Mario Kart.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“I mean, with Robin becoming Nightwing and him raising a baby with Starfire now, and everyone else shacking up, I want to make sure that we have what they have and not just a middle school crush. So, I figure that if we share the same passions, that will keep us together.”

“Don’t we already have the same passion for fighting evil?”

“Yes, but that’s what keeps the Titans together. We need something to keep us together.”

A loud thud came from behind. Beast Boy turned around to see Cyborg, lying on the ground surrounded by the 5% of the vegan bacon pile he couldn’t finish. His tomach was inflated like an obese man, and shards of bacon stuck out of his mouth as he drooled in agony.

“You OK, dude?” asked Beast Boy.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Cyborg mumbled.

“Don’t you have a lunch date with Sarah today?” asked Raven.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll …” Cyborg could only mumble as spit bubbles came out of his mouth.

Beast By turned back to his girlfriend. “So, how about it?”

“Well, how about I go with you to the commercial shoot and think about it more?”

“Sounds good.” BB picked up his glass or organic orange juice. “To the animals!”

Raven picked up her herbal tea. “Uh, to the animals.” They clinked their cups together.


	2. Vegan Stars

“Attention all my fellow P’s to the T to the A. The star has arrived!”

Beast Boy burst open the double doors onto the commercial set. All of the crew members turned towards him, and then applauded as he did a silly dance into the set, transforming into random animals to stop in between shaking hands.

Beast Boy stopped once he came to an older woman with brownish/blondish hair, blue eyes, and a business casual fashion sense.

“Ingrid Newkirk!” he exclaimed to the Founder and President of PETA as he removed his sunglasses. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you!”

“The pleasure is all mine,” she responded in a professional British accent.

“Oh, I must have your autograph?” he asked, producing a pen and paper.

“Can I have yours?” asked a crewman.

“Me too, maybe?” asked another.

“My kids are huge fans, can you sign for them, please?”

“People, people,” announced Ingrid. “I’m afraid autographs will have to wait.”

“Hold up, there!” countered Beast Boy. “Being a hero means that you’re a champion of the little guys, and the little guy always comes first! So come on, everyone! You can tell me your name and me and my girl … hey, Rae, where are ya?”

Raven suddenly appeared in a flash of white light behind Beast Boy. 

“Oh, there you are! This is my girlfriend, Raven, everyone! She’s a bit awkward when it comes to crowds, but…”

“Is she a meat-eater?” Ingrid asked, hostile.

“Oh, no. She was, but I converted her to the good side. She can sign autographs for you too, right babe?”

“Oh yeah, right,” Raven answered.

“Alright, then let’s get started! And don’t come up to her all at once.”

Raven was a bit startled when she saw a line of crew members forming in front of her. She was still getting used to the fact that a girl from her friendless background actually had a fanbase.

“Could you make it out to my son Bobby?” asked themiddle-aged ight technician in front. “You’re his absolute favorite superhero!”

“Does he have a picture of me on his bedroom wall that he looks at while touching himself?”

“No,” the man answered awkwardly.

Raven sensed no deceit in his mind. “Sure, I’d love to.”

Once the signings were done, Beast Boy was escorted to in front of the cameras, where he positioned himself on a farm set surrounded by various farm animals. Raven found a spot where she could sit down and get a good view of her boyfriend, but still by herself. Being in a room full of strangers was still an experience she wasn’t used to.

The director said “Action!” and Beast Boy began his speech.

“Hi. You may know me as Beast Boy of the teen Titans, or as the Let’s Playing champion GreenGar65. But right now, I come to you as a friend to the animals. Now, lots of people say that you can’t be friends with animals. Well, what about the pets in your very own home? Aren’t you friends with your dog, your guinea pig, your parakeet, or your goldfish? Then who says you can’t be friends with a cow, a pig, a chicken, or a tuna fish? Instead of using animals to fill our bellies, let’s instead use them to fill our hearts!”

Beast Boy had to do that repeatedly for over an hour. He was once in a TV show, so he was used to it. But Raven soon lost interest. She was questioning just how good a girlfriend she was. See, she could sense that Beast Boy was uncomfortable with her consuming animal products, so she turned vegan to make him happy.

But Raven didn’t believe that eating animals was wrong, or anything else vegans are supposed to believe. Like most people, she saw animals as subhuman, and her talents as an empath only seemed to reinforce this. While human thoughts were complicated, animal thoughts were only about food and reproduction.

Raven adjusted herself on her stool and let her leg swing down; in doing so, she accidentally kicked a chicken. She immediately apologized to it as it ran into the arms of an animal handler.

“I’m really sorry!” she apologized.

“It’s OK,” he said, picking up the chicken and petting it. “Accidents happen.”

Raven felt a sense of attachment from the chicken, something much like Silkie whenever was being pampered by Starfire. 

“Say, could I hold him?” Raven asked.

“This is a hen, so she’s a girl, but yes, just hold your arms out.”

The hen flapped in wings in protest as she was handed over, but as Raven copied the handler’s nurturing hand movements, she calmed down, and clucked at a slower pace. Raven sat there, contemplating all the things she had picked up from this lowly animal. The hen was terrified of her at first, not unlike how she was when up against deadlier villains. Now the hen projected a sense of acceptance and a little dependence, much like how she and her friends had for each other.

And nobody hurts Raven’s friends.

Once Beast Boy’s filming had wrapped up, he teasingly asked Raven if she’d made a new friend.

“Yes.”

“Wait, what?”

“You said the animals are our friends. This is my new friend.”

“Aww, that’s nice, Rae!”

“Let’s take her home. Mark the handler says it’s OK.”

“Oh, well that’s great! Let’s name him Kenny!”

“Well, she’s a girl.”

“I know, but she totally looks like a Kenny!”

“Well, if you say so. Kenny it is.”


	3. Vegan Love

“Wow, did you see that? I just used a mind-controlled Berserker to take out not one, but two Sectopods! You can tell your great-grandkids that you were a live witness to gaming history! Well, this seems like a great stopping point, so make sure you give that subscribe button a nice punch in the face! This is GreenGar65, and I’ll see you in the next episode!”

Beast Boy put his computer into sleep mode, made sure the “Don’t Eat This One, Cyborg!” note was fully legible on Kenny’s playpen, and headed down to his new bedroom. He was surprised to find the lights off, the room full of ocean-scented candles, and Raven standing in front of him, completely concealed by her white hood and cloak.

“Oh, Rae-Rae, is it our10-week anniversary already?” he asked.

“No, I just thought I should give you the big news.”

Raven held out a folded piece of paper. Beast Boy took it, opened it, and read it as his face lit up with joy.

“Raven, you’re a PETA member now!?!”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Oh Raven, I can’t believe it!” Beast Boy embraced his girlfriend and they shared a passionate kiss. Then Beast Boy was flung to an X-cross leaning against the wall, and was promptly strapped in by white magic.

“I thought we should do something to celebrate.” Raven cast her cloak aside, and revealed that she was wearing black bra and panties, along with black opera gloves and black knee-high socks, all of which contrasted perfectly with her silverish grey skin and her devilish smile. “So, let’s party like animals!”

Raven’s fingers grew long and pointy as she approached her boyfriend. She sliced away his clothes into ribbons, without leaving a mark on him. He was truly terrified, and that’s the way he liked it for a special occasion.

Beast Boy smiled back. “So, what did you have in mind for tonight?” He transformed into a lion, then a goat, then a sheep, then a pig, then a horse, then a bull, and then a bear, all keeping the same smile.

“Actually, I was thinking that the bottom half could be squishy with eight-arms,” Raven answered as her fingers retracted.

Beast Boy turned back into his human form. “I gotcha!” His bottom half transformed into the tentacles of an octopus. Raven stepped forward and let the copepod limbs slither up her legs.

“Yes, keep going! ... Go on and rip it off! ... Now get in there! ... Get them in deep! ... Now get the rest in the other hole! … Now let’s get the beak in! … OH YES!!!”

Raven rode Beast Boy at a perfect right angle. Beast Boy easily got his arms free and turned his left hand into a crab claw and his right hand covered in porcupine quills. After snipping off Raven’s bra, he pinched her left nipple with his left hand while fondling her right breast with his right hand. A minute later, he switched hands.

Raven transformed into a being of white and gold celestial radiance. She hugged Beast Boy as he sat up, forcing his face into her breasts. Hugging her back, his head transformed into the mouth of a lamprey leech that clasped onto the top of her cleavage.

Once Raven screamed in orgasm, Beast Boy let her fall backwards to the ground. They both caught their breath as they returned to human form. Then they realized their bedroom door was still open.

They turned to see Cyborg, petrified in terror.

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. Was I tottering on the brink of cosmic horrors beyond man's power to bear?”

Raven wrapped herself in her cloak, flew over to Cyborg, and inflicted some of her magic into his brain. Once she was done, he blinked from memory loss.

“Woah, what’s this?”

“You had just gotten home and were heading to your room.”

“Oh, right. Goodnight, Raven?”

Cyborg went on his way, and Raven locked the bedroom door.

“Good save, Rae-Rae!” commented Beast Boy.

“Thank you.” She transformed back into the celestial radiance. “Now, where were we?”


	4. Vegan Class

Five banjo chords played as the PETA meeting at the Jump City PETA HQ in the Jump City strip mall came to a beginning.

“OK, everyone, we’ve got a lot to do today,” announced a crude sock puppet that didn’t even bother to open its mouth as it spoke.

“That’s right, Mr. Sock,” said its ventriloquist, a balding man in glasses. “I’m Mr. Harrison, leader of the Jump City PETA Division. I’d like to start off by welcoming our newest members, who also happen to be a pair of celebrity superheroes!”

Everyone in the room turned again to Beast Boy and Raven, who were seated as everyone else in the group.

“Oh, please, don’t think of us as insanely rich media stars!” announced Beast Boy. “If we’re all here to help the animals, then we’re all on the same level!”

“It’s still really cool for you to be here,” said Dan Swamp, a young man in a blue-and-red beanie.

“Yeah, growing up, I was told that only losers and drug addicts were vegans, but now I get to tell them how wrong they are,” said Lyle Bernstein, a young Jewish man in an orange ushanka.

“Say, if you don’t mind me asking, why are the two of you wearing winter hats in the middle of summer?” asked Raven as she petted Kenny in her lap.

“Oh, it’s so that people can tell us apart,” explained Dan.

“OK, that’s enough chit-chat,” said Mr. Harrison. “We have to move into the first stage of our training: how to deal with a meathead. Lyle, could you please come up to the front?”

Lyle got up and did so.

“OK, Lyle, Mr. Sock is going to be a meat-eater. You go ahead and tell him you’re vegan.”

“Alright. Hi, Mr. Sock! I’m vegan.”

“FUCK YOU!!!” shouted Mr. Marrison, pushing Mr. Sock into Lyle’s face. “YOU ARE A PANSY-ASS, COCKSUCKING, SHITBALL JIHAD-LOVING COMMUNIST!!! ALL YOU ANIMAL LOVERS CAN LICK EACH OTHERS GLASS-BONED DICKS IN HELL!!”

Then he pulled back Mr. Sock. “So, how do you feel, Lyle?”

“Uh, surprised, I guess. I mean, none of my meat-loving friends are like that.”

“Oh, they’re all like that!” preached Mr. Harrison. “Deep down, that’s what every meat-eater is like! They have nothing but contempt and bigotry for everyone who doesn’t eat like them!”

“Excuse me!” Beast Boy raised his hand and stood up. “Yeah, my best friend is a proud meat eater, and he has nothing but respect for my lifestyle.”

“Wait, you’re actually FRIENDS with an animal eater?” Mr. Harrison asked angrily. “So you pal around with a guy who’s totally cool with torturing any animal?”

“No, he refuses to eat lamb or veal because he refuses to eat babies,” Beast Boy answered. “He also only eats eggs from cage-free chickens. I still think his decision to continue to eat meat is wrong, but you seem to be implying that’s not just wrong but also evil.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Well, telling people they’re evil won’t change their minds,” explained Raven.

“Oh, and what makes you such an expert on how people think?” asked Mr. Harrison.

“I’m an empath,” answered Raven.

“Well, then, if the two of you think you’re so much better than me…”

Mr. Harrison thrust his PETA paperwork in Beast Boy’s chest.

“Here! You know-it-alls can take over! I’ll be in the closet where Mr. Sock will be pleasuring my glass-boned dick while I watch sibling incest hentai!”

Mr. Harrison stormed into the closet and shut the door behind him. Beast Boy just stood dumbfounded, and then looked down at the papers in his hand.

“I’m the head of my own PETA chapter! My childhood dream has come true!”

Raven stood up to take a look at the agenda. “Wow, this is a lot. Looks like we may have to split things up.”


	5. Vegan Methods

“Hello, my name is Raven, which I’m sure you already know, and it looks like I’m going to be teaching about how to converse about animal rights.”

Raven sat in a circle of chairs with about half of the PETA division. Most of them were guys - older teens, young adults - and she could sense a strong sexual arousal from them all. She didn’t mind one bit, and she also sensed they were mature enough to keep it to themselves.

“Um, Miss Raven,” said the youngest, a blonde teenage boy who had a hard time keeping his eyes off the ground. “My name’s Bobby, and I don’t think you’d remember, but my mom got your autograph for me yesterday.”

“Oh, yes, I remember,” admitted Raven. “Bobby Swirlz, right?”

“Yes!” Bobby’s face brightened up. “I just wanted to say that you’re my favorite superhero of all time! I mean, I’m a boy, so I’m supposed to say Superman or Batman, but I’m just nothing like them. I’m shy, awkward, and bad at making friends, so when I found out there was a superhero just like me, I thought it was the coolest thing ever!”

“Oh, wow, I’m happy to have been there for you!” Raven said, hiding her blushes.

“Yes, it’s always g-... always g- … always ffffantastic to m-m-meet your i-i-idols in r-real life,” said Timmy, a young man in crutches.

“Jimmy!” agreed Jimmy, a young man in a wheelchair.

“So, anyway, we can do that converse training thing now,” said Boby.

“Oh, yes,” continued Raven. “The main reason why people are so put off by talk of animal rights is due to a lack of education. Most people are unaware of the horrid living conditions that animals are put into, and others don’t care because they think that animal feelings are beneath human ones. But people who have spent their whole lives working with animals to study them, rather than use them, say otherwise. A recent study…”

Then Raven felt her communicator vibrate.

“Excuse me. Hey Jinx! How’s Keystone City? … Uh, he’s leading a training session with PETa, why? … What? … You’re kidding … Where? … Thanks.”

Raven put away her communicator and stood up.

“Sorry, but class will have to cut short. It seems my boyfriend is being stupider than usual.”

Raven teleported them all to a street corner. In front of them was a large circle that read “Try To Relate To Who’s On Your Plate. Go Vegan. PETA.” On it was Beast Boy, covered in salad and sauce, and changing between numerous household pets.

“Honey bun, what are you doing?” asked Raven disappointingly.

Beast Boy turned into his human form and jumped, exposing his full frontal nudity to Raven and her class, who reacted with the appropriate horror.

“Seriously, what are you doing?” Raven levitated clumps of salad to cover her bae’s privates and ass. 

“I’m starting a mental revolution!” Beast Boy announced. “When people see me, they’ll wonder why it’s OK to eat certain animals and keep others as pets!”

“No, they won’t, because they’ve been raised in a culture that has already assigned food and pet roles to different animals, and a shock exhibit like this isn’t going to convince them otherwise,” Raven explained. “All these people are thinking is you should be arrested for public indecency. Also, they’re thinking of old cartoons and wondering if they're an offensive portrayal of jungle people. Wait.”

Raven turned around to see another display. Dan Swamp was being roasted on a spit over a fire with an apple in his mouth.

“Say, where’s the rest of your group?” asked Raven.

“Oh, they’re across town, making sure our message is spread far and wide!”

Across town, Lyle Bernstein, was leading another PETA exhibition, this was turned the PETA members into furries dressed as Holocaust prisoners being stuffed into ovens.

“Jews and pigs are the same!” shouted Lyle. “Jews and rats are the same! Jews and snakes are the same!”

Every onlooker could only freeze and gawk in disbelief. This included their fellow PETA members once they had gotten there.


	6. Vegan Head

Five banjo chords played outside PETA Headquarters in Norfolk, Virginia.

In her office, Ingrid Newkirk, Founder and President of PETA, finished throwing her tenth stingray-shaped dart at a poster of Steve Irwin, with devils horns and tail and pitchfork drawn on with a red sharpie. She then turned to look out of her window over the Elizabeth River.

“I just can’t get what I want,” she complained. “I’ve compared aquariums to slave labor. Argued that Super Mario encourages animal abuse. Launched my own porn website. Demanded ice cream be made from breast milk. Exploited supermodels in the nude. Released videos that humorize sexual violence against women. Sent nudists to be killed at the running of the bulls. Advocated for vegetables to be used as dildos. Compared dog breeders to the KKK and the Third Reich. Launched drones to stalk hunters. (Would’ve worked it if hadn’t been for this country’s stupid Second Amendment.) But no matter how hard I try, nothing ever changes.”

She turned around to face the overweight man in front of her.

“It’s time to kick things into high gear, and that’s where you come in. With our resources and your tools, we’ll both be able to get what we want. So, do we have a deal?”

The fat man smiled back.

“Yes, but first of all, I am in charge, and you will respect my authoritah!”

Newkirk flung a stingray-shaped dart at his stomach; it went all the way in. The fat man collapsed to the ground, screaming in pain.

“No,” disagreed Newkirk. “You will respect mine.”


	7. Vegan Truth

“I’m gonna miss Kenny,” bemoaned Raven.

“The PETA shelter will take care of him,” assured Beast Boy. find him a nice place to be free and raise baby chicks without the fear of them ever being eaten!”

“Yes, well, are you sure these are the same people from PETA who advised you to pull those ridiculous street stunts?”

“Hey, just because someone is wrong on one thing doesn’t mean they are wrong on other things. Unlike this guy, whom we are clearly gonna show is wrong on everything!”

Beast Boy marched up to the front door of the house in front of them and banged loudly. It was soon answered by a middle-aged man with a bushy moustache. He was holding a steaming skewer filled with shrimp wrapped in sizzling bacon.

“Are you Don Gooseson?” asked Beast Boy.

“Yeah,” he answered with a voice and deadpan as his face.

“Did you nail this on the front door of the PETA office?” Beast Boy asked, showing him the paper in his hand.

Don leaned in to read it. “Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Please reconsider your life. Also, your bones are basically made of glass. Don Gooseson. 1428 Pawnee Street. PS How many rescued animals did your shelter kill today?” He took a bite out of one of the bacon-wrapped shrimp. “Yup, that’s me.”

“OK, look, pal!” Beast Boy crumpled up the paper in his hand and pointed his finger at him. “In case you haven’t noticed, we happen to be superheroes…”

“Yeah, I’m sure I’d be super too if I got hit by a magic radiation laser.”

“Yeah, well, the point is that we actually care about other lifeforms, and people like you just see them as nothing but food!”

“Yes, and because people like me view animals as food, we do a much better job of looking after them than people like you.”

“Wha-...? How? Name one animal that carnivores like you have treated better than us!”

“The buffalo. It was on the verge of extinction until some ranches decided to make burger meat from them. From that selfish desire to inflate their bank accounts, they built a thriving business that keeps the buffalo alive by filling the bellies of hungry customers.”

Beast Boy wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “OK, well name one more!”

“I’ll do better than that. I’ll name a bunch more. Every domesticated animal ever. By keeping them confined in tight prisons of food production, grueling labor, and breathing house decorations, we are in fact protecting them from the indifferent cruelty of nature, where they would be torn apart and eaten alive.”

“Hey, nature is not…”

“Speaking of nature, we carnivores also help out wild animals with our seasonal hunting trips. Overpopulation and underpopulation can dreadfully knock off the balance of natural order. Hunters make sure that nature is balanced by making sure that animal populations stay within the margins of where they need to be.”

“He’s right,” admitted Raven.

“Hey, who’s side are you on?” asked Beat Boy.

“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing illogical about what he’s saying.”

Beast Boy turned back to Don. “OK, well, even if all that is true, and I won’t say it is. But I do not appreciate this obvious lie that PETA kills animals!”

“It’s not a lie, son.” Don took another bite. “All those animals that your beloved PETA takes into its shelters - most of them get put to sleep. The forever type of sleep.”

“No they don’t!”

“Look it up, son. There are websites providing all the grisly and analytical details. PETA themselves even admit it on social media.”

“Hey, I have been following them since I was seven, and they have never…”

Beast Boy then found himself pulled back by Raven’s magic.

“Sorry to have distrued you, sir” she apologized.

“Not a problem,” said Don. “It’s always a pleasure to help educate the weak-minded.”

Raven teleported herself and her boyfriend back to the PETA office.

“Hey, what was that?” he asked as she put him down.

“You were getting angry,” she explained.

“Well, he was a real jerk!”

“Yes, but I didn’t sense any dishonesty from him, nor were his arguments inconsistent.”

“So, are you saying we’re wrong?”

Raven paused to think. “On some things, maybe we are.”


	8. Vegan Gains

“Alright, who’s the one in charge here?”

The overweight man burst into the PETA meeting room unannounced. Everyone was startled to see this large husk of a man wearing a blue beanie, yellow gloves, a red Che Guevara t-shirt, and blue sunglasses.

“Hey, just who are you?” asked Lyle.

“Shut your face, Jew!” shouted the fat man. “Got enough of you being in charge, so who’s in charge?”

“Uh, I guess that would make both of us,” answered Raven.

“Yeah, well not anymore!” The fat man removed his sunglasses. “The name’s Aaron Crapman of the Animal Liberation Front. PETA doesn’t like how there’s been no progress, so I’m gonna kick things into high gear for all of us.”

Aaron put his glasses back on and turned on the slide projector.

“Now let me present to you: the ALf Plan to Ultimately Show All Those Filthy Carnivores What’s What!!”

“Hey, man, let’s talk…” started Beast Boy.

“Shut up, asshole!” shouted Aaron. “We’re animal rights activists! You don’t talk, you just do exactly as we say! Freethinking is for fascists!”

Aaron began his demonstration.

“Step 1: Build a radio beacon that gives off a signal that will draw all the pets in Jump City to us.

Step 2: Butcher them all up into tasty burgers, nuggets, steaks, and sausages.

Step 3: Serve them at a free barbeque open to everyone in the city.

Step 4: Reveal to everyone that they’ve been eating their beloved pets.

Step 5: They realize the horrors of eating meat and join us in singing Kumbaya.

Any questions?”

Everyone stared at him in shock, horror and disbelief.

“Jimmy!” shouted Jimmy.

“Is this a sick joke?” asked Raven.

“Of course not,” answered Aaron. “Got the orders straight from PETA HQ right here.”

“But we’re against killing animals!” objected Bobby. “Isn’t that what PETA is all about?”

“Hey, let’s take a look at what PETA stands for.” Aaron brought up the initials on screen. “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Therefore, whatever PETA does to animals, that is in fact treating them ethically, and anyone who disagrees clearly hates animals.”

“So, killing them is ethical?” Beast Boy asked angrily.

“When we do it, yes. Just like if a group of activists who called themselves Anti-Fascists Who Think Black Lives Matter burned down minority-owned businesses and all the people in them. Their name says that they are clearly against fascism and racism, so if you don’t like them destroying black-owned neighborhood businesses then you’re obviously a white supremacist Neo-Nazi!”

“You’re a monster!” Raven stretched out her arms and began floating upward. “As an enforcer of the law, I must now place you under arrest.”

“No, babe,” said Beast Boy sternly as he stood up. “I will.”

“Oh, so you don’t care about the animals after all, then!” Aaron took off his glasses and put up his hands in fisticuffs. “Come at me, meat-eater! You and me, we’re duking it out!”

Beast Boy walked straight up to Aaron and tapped him on the forehead with his knuckles. A sound like glass shattering was heard, and Aaron started bawling like a baby. Raven created a pair of white magic handcuffs and arrested him.

“Well, we came here to save animals. Let’s like we need to get right to it.”

“Wait.” Beast Boy suddenly remembered what that jerk Don Gooseson had said. “The shelter!”


End file.
